Post 3: Understanding Different Types of Break-ups

When I started dating my first boyfriend years ago, it was as if a dream come true. I thought that we would last forever. I was just the kind of girl who wanted a happy ending. And when I see and hear about people breaking up, I thought, "Well, no way is this going to happen to me". Three years down the road it did. And I was beyond devastated. The first few weeks were a nightmare. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything except brood over it. I swear my sister and friends were getting really sick of hearing about it.

And then a few of my friends broke up with their significant others. My sister broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years. Which made me wonder, are break-ups all the same? The answer? Not quite.

Let's start with the most unpleasant of all break-ups. I call it the cheating. This break-up happens when one of the partners cheated on the other. In cases like this, it's bloody good riddance. However, it is still highly debatable whether the person who is cheated on should forgive the cheating partner. Sometimes it's for the sake of the children. Sometimes, they say that the cheater is truly repentant. I believe there are exceptions to the rules. But I say, once a cheater forever a cheater, so may he/she rot in hell. Why would you want to stay with someone who cheated on you anyway? Your cheating partner cared not for you when he or she carried out an affair behind your back. Cheating and having affairs are conscious decisions they chose to make. So what the heck?

The long-distance break-up is something I would probably not encounter but is something that is very likely to happen in a long-distance relationship. There would be times when you meet someone great but the thing is, a) they are moving away, b) you live 200 miles apart, c) working or studying in another state or country, or d) is the citizen of another country. Things could get tough. You might want to work on establishing and maintaining a relationship but a relationship is a two-way street. It requires equal amount of commitment from both parties.  And that's not all, you need a truck load of trust.  Without trust, a long-distance relationship is bound to bite the dust.

The wedding/engagement break-up is something I hope none of us will have to go through.  Yeah, I know if you're not in love with the guy and the guy is not in love with you, or maybe the guy doesn't think you love him that much, then why bother proposing or getting engaged!  I think this is more a case of one partner loving the other more.  Whereas the one who loves or gives less is wondering where their relationship is heading.  Is he really the best guy out there for her?  Or are there others better suited?  There's no telling.  It is a logical thing to worry about, in my opinion.  A marriage is a lifetime commitment.  A person has to be more than a hundred person sure that he/she is the one before taking the great big plunge.  People would say that if you're thinking about whether or not you're making the right decision getting engaged or being married to your partner, it means that you don't love him that much and that you should let him find someone who loves him as much as he loves her.  I think this is utter nonsense.  I would think long and hard about getting married.  Sometimes love just isn't enough to make the world go round.  Marriage is also about the ability to live with someone for a very, very, very long time and not feel like killing each other.  Of course it's something we have to think carefully about.  Why marry only to get divorced few years down the road?  But obviously, if anyone proposes, I'd say yes.

My previous break-up was a long-term relationship break-up.  That is, if you think that three whole years is long.  How would I define a long-term relationship?  Any relationship which lasted more than twelve months.  Also, I think this is the trickiest kind of break-up to go through.  Firstly, it is because there can be a whole array of reasons why the break-up occurred, from A right up till Z.  In my opinion, it seems that most long-term relationships ended either because of the Grass Is Greener Syndrome (GIGS) or cheating.  Unless it's a long-distance relationship, where so many things can go wrong on its own.  In my case, I think it was a GIGS triggered break-up with a dash of cheating thrown in.  I have no evidence on the cheating up until today.  It was purely based on my instincts.  Please, there are always signs when men are cheating.  They don't do it consciously, it's peacock related.  Let me explain how I reached my conclusion.

My ex was...I don't know, someone who cared about his appearance.  A lot.  So it's typical that he looked after himself well.  But in the three years we were together, he never once acted like he did leading to the break-up.  There were peacock tendencies everywhere.  It was first his need to work-out at the gym in his college. (Was there even a gym where he studied?  I wasn't sure).  And then his journey into Body Shop to get a some shower gel which was like RM30-40.  (I mean, WTF?).  In addition to all that, he bought new clothes, in a totally different style.  Seriously, if any of your men out there acted like this, it's a big red flag.  And to top it all, he bought me a big, stuffed toy.  Like, as tall as two feet.  He never bought me stuffed anything before, unless you count the two, small stuffed bears he gave me the previous Valentine's.  In fact, he rarely bought me anything anyone would consider "romantic".  And then all of a sudden a big stuffed toy.  What the hell was I supposed to think?  Whatever, I had no evidence whatsoever, and it could just be that he's showing his affection.  Well, I stuck to my intuition from then on.  That's what they say, right?  A woman's intuition is always right.  And then, less two blah-di weeks after he broke up with me he had a new girlfriend.  What the?  So I went back to the cheating theory.  There are many kinds of cheating, so don't tell me since they didn't do you-know-what it doesn't count.

And you know what the best bit about long-term relationship break-ups is?  They somehow want to be friends with you?  Oh, haha, please.  Like my sis's ex, she said that he had this ideal situation that he's still best friend with his ex.  My sister said to me, "Oh, please, let's not kid ourselves here".  That was exactly what I said to her right from the start.  Do not be friends with the ex.  It's like picking the scabs of a wound not completely dried up.

It is good to keep your distance after a break-up.  It's tough.  You'd want to call, you'd want to text.  You'd want them to call, you'd want them to text.  You just wanted everything to be the same as it was.  And you don't think that you'd be happy without them.  Crap.  Sometimes, it's best to let go and to heal.  After all, why would you want to run after someone who so obviously wanted to keep you on the back burner?  Someone who doesn't care about you anymore?  Someone who openly declared that he doesn't love you?  In order to heal, you have to end all communications with the ex.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I kept in touch with my ex for about two long months.  It was pure, 100% torture.  He was such a major asshole who kept driving the knife deeper until (haha) I changed my number.  No one can hurt me unless I allow them to. 

Ok, so back to the friends thing.  Um, I have enough friends as it is.  Furthermore, do I really need a prime jerk as a friend?  Nope.  Before any of you thinks I'm a childish bitch, no, I'm not doing this to get revenge.  I'm doing this for myself.  I need to forget, I don't need to remember.  As long as I keep in contact with him, I will remember.  And even if I don't, he is the kind of person who makes sure I do.  Besides that, he once told a friend of his that in each of our lives, we have either to hurt, or to be hurt.  And, this was the answer he gave to his friend, when his friend asked him why he continued to hurt me though we were already broken up.  That is why, if a keep the channels of communication opened, I will be the one hurting.  I'm just protecting myself.  But, if you're going to say I'm being selfish, you're right.  I'm being totally selfish.  I'm sick of being selfless.

Oh well.  Guess I'm not one of those lucky few who has never experienced a break-up in their entire lives.  However, I'm glad to say that I'm thankful for it.  I have rediscovered myself again and know much more about what I look for in a relationship, and in a man I decide to love.

Post 2: What Is Love?

I spent some time with my bf the past couple of days, watching "The Proposal" and talking.  He got around to asking me how what I view love as.  So I asked him, what is love to he?  He said that he doesn't necessarily need to be with someone to love her, that to him love is providing the best for the girl.  Oh.

That got me thinking about what love actually is.  Being Sagittarius, I have a wide, extensive-expansive definition of love.  Though, now that I think of it, I cannot come to see how anyone can define love based on words alone.  It is often not what we say love is, it is how we show it.  So anyway, back to the wordy explanation of love.  Firstly, I have to say that it is a feeling.  We all feel love, don't we?  And then I have to say that it is a decision.  When we become someone's steady or life partner, I believe that at that point, a decision has been made to eternally cherish and care for that person, no matter how tough the situation can get.  I believe that love is a decision, because we are as capable to love, as we are of falling out of love.  When we fall out of love, it means that we have then made a decision to stop loving someone.  Follow?  Finally, I believe that love is also a series of actions.  Don't get me started on what actions, I won't be able to stop.  There are too many and they are too varied.

I also believe that love is different to each person for everyone is different and has experience different degrees of love.  I have always been a little spoiled.  Just like my sister mentioned in her blog, my parents do everything they can do give us all that they could possibly give.  Nothing is too great a sacrifice.  Giving without complaining and not expecting anything in return.  We are typical Asians and don't do much hugging and kissing and "I love you's" (if at all) but my siblings and I never for once doubted that our parents love us.  This is love for you on my parents' part.  And you think that that's what parents are required to do and are responsible for?  Think again.  There are people I actually know that do not have such loving parents.  Plenty of people I know thinks that I'm lucky to have parents like mine.  I also have a friend who hates going home so much, with the reason that he doesn't get along at all with his family, he spends his after work hours in the cybercafe.  I really do sympathize with him and cannot help but wonder what kind of home he has, and what kind of parents would make their son feel so depressed at home.

In addition to that, I also think that we can love more than one person.  Whoever says "I only love you" is definitely bullshitting.  I love my parents, I love my siblings, I love my bf, I love my books, I love my pillow.  The human ability to love is infinite.  Though I must say that we love different people differently.  For example, my love for my pillow as an inanimate object is, of course completely different from the love I have for my family, which is in turn totally unlike what I feel for my bf.  But I totally do not agree that you can love 3 or 4 women at one go, unless you're fine with your women love other men too, haha.  Anyway, seriously, in terms of committed venus-mars relationships, I always believe in monogamy.

Which brings me back to why I say that love is a decision.  As mentioned before, one could love more than one person.  Yes, even more than one man or woman.  But you can only love one, and disappoint all others.  Then love becomes a decision.  By choosing that one man, you are in fact making a decision to support and cherish, to be loyal to him, to share all his hopes and dreams, to care for him and his needs, to respect and honor him, and to love him and him only, for the person that he is.  Now, anything you want to add?