Post 20: How I Got Over My Break-up

Does it ever bring back not-so-sweet memories! A couple of days before CNY, my sis broke up with her bf of almost 2 years, citing irreconcilable differences. Well, her ex is not accepting it very well and had to have long, lengthy discussions, with my sis just saying a few words in between, while his lines were measured in yards. Drama-worthy stuff.

To cut the chase. My sis get more and more annoyed as the days go by. This is because the ex keeps texting at all hours. 3am, 5am, 6am...sometimes several texts at once. In fact, he texted me too, when he found out that she has been talking to another guy who happens to have a girlfriend. He wondered if my sis knew that this guy has a girlfriend, and told me to gauge her reaction, warn her about him, bla and bla and bla.

I asked sis how the ex knew about this guy and his girlfriend and sis suspected that he hacked into her Facebook account, which he denied, all of four times, before finally admitting to it. And then all hell broke lose. I don't wanna talk about it. I'm here to talk about how he (they) could have avoided all this drama and get a move on healing.

STEP 1: DO NOT KEEP IN CONTACT WITH THE EX
This step is the most, most, MOST IMPORTANT aspect for you to heal. That was what I did after two long, drawn out months of being strung along. Wished that I'd done it so much sooner. I would have seemed less pathetic that way. Best way to do this is just drop off the face of earth. There is no need to seek closure and permission from your ex. The fact that they do not want to date you anymore is reason enough. They do not value your uniqueness and they are about to be spared from it. It also helps to wean you off all forms of communication such as the telephone and the internet. If you go no contact on them, you need not wait for hours by your phone only to feel dreadfully disappointed when they do not text or call. And when disappear, they start looking for you. And they will text, IM, try to call even. It's extremely satisfying when you do not text, IM or call back. It becomes a power struggle but you feel extremely in control of your emotions and feelings when you do not seek to connect or reconnect with your ex, even if they initiated it. After a break-up, all that crying, wheedling, begging, pleading, sobbing, weeping, fainting, vomiting, texting, reasoning is going to make you look pathetic, weak, clingy and needy in your ex's eyes. So by not contacting them no more, you are getting the power in the "unrelationship" back for yourself. And does it feel good. And liberating.

STEP 2: GET A NEW PHONE NUMBER AND NOT LET THE EX KNOW
The point of this is pretty simple. If your ex can't call you, you won't be tempted to call back.

STEP 3: DO NOT PLAY THE FRIENDS CARD
It's only going to backfire on you. Your ex is never going to see you as a desirable, attractive partner once you've been friend-zoned. And as a friend, you're going to be hearing all about your ex's hot new date, sexy new partner, new relationship, new fiance/fiancee which will only go so far as to set you back. And in a big way too. Nothing is going to hurt more than seeing your ex with someone new. And as a friend, you've gotta take it the way a friend does: feel happy for your ex. But you're literally dying inside. Sounds like fun, yes? You're also getting a pretty raw deal because he/she will expect you to be supportive and encouraging, but they will not be able to give you what you crave, which is, a relationship. No. You have enough friends as it is, you don't need another. Especially not a friend who makes you cry yourself to sleep at night.

STEP 4: AVOID PLACES YOUR EX FREQUENT
Like the plague. Because who knows how you'll handle yourself? You might think that you're find and you're strong enough to carry yourself well if you happen to bump into your ex, or worse, your ex with a date on his/her arm. Who knows? You might just breakdown and cry in the middle of the mall, or get so drunk at a pub that you make a complete fool of yourself. For your ex to see. He/she will only throw a pity party for you. So avoid at all cost your ex's haunts. Instead, go to some place where your ex usually won't be at.

STEP 5: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
Get a better job. Get more sleep. Get healthy. Get some new clothes. Get new hair. Get that manicure or pedicure. Save the whales. Save the environment. Do whatever it is that makes you happy and make you feel great. Or you may instead do something you've always wanted to do, but didn't get around to. I got new hair and some totally new clothes (which he didn't like, well whatever, eff him) and it was awesome. A confidence boost for me because I was down in the dumps. Remember, when you look great, you feel great. So I'll recommend retail therapy to anyone anytime. Just don't max out that credit card.

STEP 6: SPEND TIME WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Have one, glorious cry or rant or rave and then talk about something else. Plan your free time wisely and spend it with family and friends if possible, because being with people takes your mind off the ex. When you're alone at home, your mind somehow keeps drifting back to the unattainable one. So spend as much time out of the house as possible, and with friends.

STEP 7: LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE
The ex, upon dumping you, expects you to pine for them, and grow ill and thin and sallow, and yellow and pale and pathetic. To an extend, they think they are the catch, they are the prize. Well that's so over. Go out and get a life. They ain't coming back (most of the time) and if they do, do you really want to give them another opportunity to stamp all over your broken heart. If they did it once, they can do it again, so screw them and go out and live a marvelous life!

My biggest regret is that I should have done it sooner, if I knew any better. So hopefully I'm being some help to those who finds it difficult to cope.

Post 4: What Follows A Break-up?

Two years had passed since the break-up.  Two years is a long time. Winston Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going".  That was exactly what I went through, just worse.  Anyway, I meant this to be a positive post, since I think I've had enough whiny ones.

So...firstly, I did lose a significant amount of kgs after post break-up. I kinda took his "parting words" to heart and spruced up my appearance a bit.  I went out and got a new hair color, honey and blond highlights and new curls.  However, my hair is now going back straight and black. I still think that liking someone for how she looks is superficial but I did realize that good grooming and looking after yourself is important too. But, sad to say, I've put back the pounds. *Sobs*. Oh well, my sis said that I blow up when I'm happy so it just goes to show.

Moping helps. Really. It's part of the grieving process. Sulk at home, stay in bed, whatever.  I think it's worse if you acted like nothing happened. Like the relationship wasn't at all important to you. It was, so there is no reason why you should not mourn for its death.  Just don't overdo it, and not for way too long. And don't talk the ears off your friends about your break-up troubles.

Getting yourself out of the house is essential. I especially like retail therapy. I went shopping for a whole new wardrobe (well, just a few pieces anyway, like I could afford a whole new one). And I actually bought a couple of dresses, which I haven't worn since I was like, 11? School uniforms don't count. Guess what? Dresses are actually fun, even if you're not a girly-girl! Instant femininity - just add hot water. I've bought a few more dresses since then, haha.

Also, I also did some serious reflection on what went wrong in the relationship, or was it that we're just too different. A very important question I asked myself was, "Was I really happy in that relationship?" and I had to honestly say no. I wasn't, and hadn't been for quite awhile. But I did stay on, with the hope that things will work themselves out. Which is another lesson to me. Things just DO NOT work themselves out in a relationship. You have to communicate and compromise, and work on the relationship, at all times.

And then I thought back to all the things I were unhappy about. Mostly that he was unhappy with me, how I looked like. Love shouldn't be about what someone looks like.  I think this is also one of main reasons that I sometimes feel insecure in my current relationship because of of my past. However, I do think it's really sweet that Elf always assures me that he doesn't mind that I'm fat. His family doesn't seem to mind that I'm pudgy. His mom has not said anything about my spare tires.  Still, this is one insecurity I have to cope with.

I have also met new people and came up with a list of characteristics I would and would not appreciate in that someone special. Among the traits which made the YES list are:

Patient - you need a lot of that to be with me
Undemanding - the moment you start making any crazy ones, I'm off
Thoughtful - take my thoughts, likes and dislikes into account
Understanding - I can be a bit eccentric and noisy, so this is an important trait
Faithful - obviously
Fun - everyone needs a little fun in their lives
Supportive - of everything I do, or talk me out of those hot soup ones

You know, just the general attributes.  And in my NO list:

Possessive - what are you doing now? 2 secs later...what are you doing now?
Moody - I just hate mood swings
Bad-tempered - uncontrollable temper and bad anger management are no-nos
Rude - speaks for itself
Disrespectful - you don't respect others, you won't respect me

And to add to my NO list, a few quirks from my past relationship which irked me:

Always walking ahead of me, not by my side
Staying at home - most of the time (well that's what we're stuck with at the moment, but I don't think we have any other option)
Keeping me away from his friends, or rather, his friends away from me
Referring to me as his "friend"
Spams me with texts - when I'm sleeping
Not ever holding hands outside - yes I want the world to know, is that too much to ask for?

Not that I'm looking for one, haha. I've been with Elf for more than a year now <3. Not everything is smooth sailing, he's not perfect but I'm happy and I am free.

Post 3: Understanding Different Types of Break-ups

When I started dating my first boyfriend years ago, it was as if a dream come true. I thought that we would last forever. I was just the kind of girl who wanted a happy ending. And when I see and hear about people breaking up, I thought, "Well, no way is this going to happen to me". Three years down the road it did. And I was beyond devastated. The first few weeks were a nightmare. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything except brood over it. I swear my sister and friends were getting really sick of hearing about it.

And then a few of my friends broke up with their significant others. My sister broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years. Which made me wonder, are break-ups all the same? The answer? Not quite.

Let's start with the most unpleasant of all break-ups. I call it the cheating. This break-up happens when one of the partners cheated on the other. In cases like this, it's bloody good riddance. However, it is still highly debatable whether the person who is cheated on should forgive the cheating partner. Sometimes it's for the sake of the children. Sometimes, they say that the cheater is truly repentant. I believe there are exceptions to the rules. But I say, once a cheater forever a cheater, so may he/she rot in hell. Why would you want to stay with someone who cheated on you anyway? Your cheating partner cared not for you when he or she carried out an affair behind your back. Cheating and having affairs are conscious decisions they chose to make. So what the heck?

The long-distance break-up is something I would probably not encounter but is something that is very likely to happen in a long-distance relationship. There would be times when you meet someone great but the thing is, a) they are moving away, b) you live 200 miles apart, c) working or studying in another state or country, or d) is the citizen of another country. Things could get tough. You might want to work on establishing and maintaining a relationship but a relationship is a two-way street. It requires equal amount of commitment from both parties.  And that's not all, you need a truck load of trust.  Without trust, a long-distance relationship is bound to bite the dust.

The wedding/engagement break-up is something I hope none of us will have to go through.  Yeah, I know if you're not in love with the guy and the guy is not in love with you, or maybe the guy doesn't think you love him that much, then why bother proposing or getting engaged!  I think this is more a case of one partner loving the other more.  Whereas the one who loves or gives less is wondering where their relationship is heading.  Is he really the best guy out there for her?  Or are there others better suited?  There's no telling.  It is a logical thing to worry about, in my opinion.  A marriage is a lifetime commitment.  A person has to be more than a hundred person sure that he/she is the one before taking the great big plunge.  People would say that if you're thinking about whether or not you're making the right decision getting engaged or being married to your partner, it means that you don't love him that much and that you should let him find someone who loves him as much as he loves her.  I think this is utter nonsense.  I would think long and hard about getting married.  Sometimes love just isn't enough to make the world go round.  Marriage is also about the ability to live with someone for a very, very, very long time and not feel like killing each other.  Of course it's something we have to think carefully about.  Why marry only to get divorced few years down the road?  But obviously, if anyone proposes, I'd say yes.

My previous break-up was a long-term relationship break-up.  That is, if you think that three whole years is long.  How would I define a long-term relationship?  Any relationship which lasted more than twelve months.  Also, I think this is the trickiest kind of break-up to go through.  Firstly, it is because there can be a whole array of reasons why the break-up occurred, from A right up till Z.  In my opinion, it seems that most long-term relationships ended either because of the Grass Is Greener Syndrome (GIGS) or cheating.  Unless it's a long-distance relationship, where so many things can go wrong on its own.  In my case, I think it was a GIGS triggered break-up with a dash of cheating thrown in.  I have no evidence on the cheating up until today.  It was purely based on my instincts.  Please, there are always signs when men are cheating.  They don't do it consciously, it's peacock related.  Let me explain how I reached my conclusion.

My ex was...I don't know, someone who cared about his appearance.  A lot.  So it's typical that he looked after himself well.  But in the three years we were together, he never once acted like he did leading to the break-up.  There were peacock tendencies everywhere.  It was first his need to work-out at the gym in his college. (Was there even a gym where he studied?  I wasn't sure).  And then his journey into Body Shop to get a some shower gel which was like RM30-40.  (I mean, WTF?).  In addition to all that, he bought new clothes, in a totally different style.  Seriously, if any of your men out there acted like this, it's a big red flag.  And to top it all, he bought me a big, stuffed toy.  Like, as tall as two feet.  He never bought me stuffed anything before, unless you count the two, small stuffed bears he gave me the previous Valentine's.  In fact, he rarely bought me anything anyone would consider "romantic".  And then all of a sudden a big stuffed toy.  What the hell was I supposed to think?  Whatever, I had no evidence whatsoever, and it could just be that he's showing his affection.  Well, I stuck to my intuition from then on.  That's what they say, right?  A woman's intuition is always right.  And then, less two blah-di weeks after he broke up with me he had a new girlfriend.  What the?  So I went back to the cheating theory.  There are many kinds of cheating, so don't tell me since they didn't do you-know-what it doesn't count.

And you know what the best bit about long-term relationship break-ups is?  They somehow want to be friends with you?  Oh, haha, please.  Like my sis's ex, she said that he had this ideal situation that he's still best friend with his ex.  My sister said to me, "Oh, please, let's not kid ourselves here".  That was exactly what I said to her right from the start.  Do not be friends with the ex.  It's like picking the scabs of a wound not completely dried up.

It is good to keep your distance after a break-up.  It's tough.  You'd want to call, you'd want to text.  You'd want them to call, you'd want them to text.  You just wanted everything to be the same as it was.  And you don't think that you'd be happy without them.  Crap.  Sometimes, it's best to let go and to heal.  After all, why would you want to run after someone who so obviously wanted to keep you on the back burner?  Someone who doesn't care about you anymore?  Someone who openly declared that he doesn't love you?  In order to heal, you have to end all communications with the ex.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I kept in touch with my ex for about two long months.  It was pure, 100% torture.  He was such a major asshole who kept driving the knife deeper until (haha) I changed my number.  No one can hurt me unless I allow them to. 

Ok, so back to the friends thing.  Um, I have enough friends as it is.  Furthermore, do I really need a prime jerk as a friend?  Nope.  Before any of you thinks I'm a childish bitch, no, I'm not doing this to get revenge.  I'm doing this for myself.  I need to forget, I don't need to remember.  As long as I keep in contact with him, I will remember.  And even if I don't, he is the kind of person who makes sure I do.  Besides that, he once told a friend of his that in each of our lives, we have either to hurt, or to be hurt.  And, this was the answer he gave to his friend, when his friend asked him why he continued to hurt me though we were already broken up.  That is why, if a keep the channels of communication opened, I will be the one hurting.  I'm just protecting myself.  But, if you're going to say I'm being selfish, you're right.  I'm being totally selfish.  I'm sick of being selfless.

Oh well.  Guess I'm not one of those lucky few who has never experienced a break-up in their entire lives.  However, I'm glad to say that I'm thankful for it.  I have rediscovered myself again and know much more about what I look for in a relationship, and in a man I decide to love.