Post 6: Do You Always Have to be in a Relationship?

I really don't know which is worse. A serial monogamist (ok, ok, a playboy monogamist). Or a girl with imaginary boyfriends. Do we measure our worth based on someone hanging onto our arm these days? Does a guy need a girlfriend for his friends to respect and envy him? Does a girl need a guy to call her own to feel lovable or special? Let's relate.

A few weeks back, a friend broke up with his gf of more than a year. Which was no surprise, really, for he is such a mega playboy. So I was basically, "Yea, whatever". But he said that "Bla..bla..bla..she is the one...I will wait for her...," and so on and so forth. And now, what I heard is that he already has a new gf. Which is, of course, no surprise. Again. I also can't bloody remember which girlfriend this is right now. Seven? Number eight? Why bother being in a relationship if you're not completely committed to it! You can't seriously be that sex-starved, right? And what about jumping from one relationship to another? Don't you need some time to get over the previous relationship and collect your thoughts? No wonder none of his relationships worked out so far. How can it when he doesn't know what he expects and wants from a relationship, from a partner? Oh, wait. I take that back. I've forgotten that all he wants now is to have fun, regardless of anyone's feelings (but his own, duh). And the best bit? He said that this new gf helps him get over the ex. Rebound. Right. Really helps speed up the healing process along. No?

A darling co-worker. Ah. And her infinite string of boyfriends. Which I bet are all fake anyway. Correction, we're ALL betting that he's fake. See, she's not from around here. She has no family here. Which obviously makes it easier for her to conjure up her dream guy. Who obviously only exists in her dreams. Well, I don't really talk to her much, only regarding work-related issues, since her manner so annoys me. But I've heard gossip, oh - sod it. I LOVE GOSSIP !! And word is that she had like, what, 26 bfs before? I mean WOW? And someone said, "Maybe she meant boy-friends!" Well she obviously meant for us to think of the other type. OMG, I'm such a bitch but here we go...

Of the "bfs" I did hear of was:

Boyfriend Number One - an accountant who "now" works in England. Apparently he "broke up" with her upon the phone call of his sister or something, who saw her dining with another guy. What I heard was that he called her up, from England, and broke off with her. *Laughs mirthlessly*
Boyfriend Number Two - is the son of a furniture shop owner in her hometown. Yep.

She's now on Boyfriend Number Three. She told A that he is "handsome and rich". Direct quote. Goodness. Which girl voluntarily goes around telling people that her bf is handsome and rich. And A was being very mean when she told me she thought "Handsome and rich, why want a girl like you, fat and dark?!" Ok. Looks does not matter. But really. I honestly don't think I'm pretty. Or even cute. And I'm not even thin. Not being a bitch or anything but she is way worse. Being objective: Me VS Her, on a scale of 1-10. 1 being least desirable, 10 being most desirable.

• Height: 6 : 6       We're the same height, average for Asian girls
  
• Weight: 3 : 1       I'm overweight. She's more so.
  
• Skin Tone: 5 : 4  I'm a bit dark. She seems darker.
  
• Eyes: 6 : 2          Probably my better feature, if not for the glasses. Hers are slanted slits, bit like a cat's
  
• Nose: 5 : 4         Don't really like my nose, too big. Her's is pretty normal, if not a bit squashed.
  
• Mouth: 5 : 2       Normal mouth. The sides of her mouth is always curved downwards
  
• Hair: 4 : 6          Frizzy from styling products. Her's is long and straight. Probably her better feature.
  
• Overall: 5 : 2     Overweight normal looking girl. Bit more overweight girl with a face which looks permanently displeased with something

Personality-wise, well the whole department hates her. So obviously you can't say that her personality shines through. Therefore it was totally justified for A to think what she thought.

As for myself, I put it this way. It's hard enough to find either a rich guy. Or a handsome guy. But rich and handsome? That's a rare species. And a rich and handsome guy interested in you? Goodness..even rarer. Wait, this bit gets better. He happens to be her brother-in-law's cousin! Who's father also owns a furniture shop in her hometown! (I expect she'd forgotten that she told people her previous bf's father owns a furniture shop, lol, and threw it in when I unexpectedly asked what he does).

And recently, she was supposed to go to his granny's big birthday shindig (and then she got sick - on purpose or not, don't ask me) so people were totally grilling her about it and asking her to bring back photos. And when she came back from her MC or whatever it was, A asked about the photos. She said "I couldn't go because I was sick. His dad was so angry I didn't go". That's so expected. Except the dad thing. Who can blame you for not showing up because you're too ill to?

Anyway, pre-party, before she got all "sick" she was talking about them hosting the event at some place huge, bringing in professional make-up people to do their faces and what-the-hecks. When asked to bring back pictures, she said, "Oh, I can't. I have to help serve the guests".

What? Some big expensive restaurant/hotel/wherever and you have to SERVE guests? Does that even make sense? Ok, even if you do serve guests, how can there not be a photo of you and the guy taken? At all?

Your verdict?

Having someone of the opposite sex on your arm doesn't make you any greater. Having someone else to stem the pain caused by another person will not get you anywhere. You don't gain anything jumping from relationship to relationship. Is there anything wrong with being single? Lying about a relationship you don't have, with a made up guy won't make us girls envy you. In fact, it undermines and degrades yourself. There's nothing wrong with being single.

Post 5: Does the Pain Ever Goes Away?

It is a common question asked on the ENA board by heartbroken souls. The honest answer? I have to say no. At least not anytime soon. It might take a few months for it to stop hurting. It may take a few years.

I find sometimes the memories just crop up, like deja vu. And then I thought back, experienced some flashback, and the pain resurfaces, even when I'm perfectly happy as I am now.  Only last week when I was doing the files when I suddenly went quiet, with what must have been a thoughtful expression on my face because Weng Hong looked at me and asked, "What's wrong?". I just shook my head at him, and shook myself out of it.

Sometimes it's just the little things that meant so much to you while you were together which throws you back into a pained state. Like when Cin In asked me whether I know of any corporations which uses IT in relation to their human resources when I thought of all the fucking times I'd helped with his assignments. Gosh, what was I thinking?

I'd like for it to go permanently away, but it just isn't feasible at the moment. The good thing is, it doesn't hurt as much now as it did back then. Also, it probably wasn't even losing him that caused the pain, nor was it the intelligence of my relationship going down the drain. It might be the sense of betrayal or the indignity of be cheated on which lead to all the hurt still caught up inside me.

Which makes sense because every time I rinse and repeat, it's always how much and dum-dum I was for having suffered all his gum-gum behavior - chew and spit. Therefore, I conclude the pain can still be there for reasons other than being dumped or replaced. And it will remain there til we learn to forgive. Great, this means mine is stuck here for eternity for this is one thing I can never bring myself to forgive nor forget.

Post 4: What Follows A Break-up?

Two years had passed since the break-up.  Two years is a long time. Winston Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going".  That was exactly what I went through, just worse.  Anyway, I meant this to be a positive post, since I think I've had enough whiny ones.

So...firstly, I did lose a significant amount of kgs after post break-up. I kinda took his "parting words" to heart and spruced up my appearance a bit.  I went out and got a new hair color, honey and blond highlights and new curls.  However, my hair is now going back straight and black. I still think that liking someone for how she looks is superficial but I did realize that good grooming and looking after yourself is important too. But, sad to say, I've put back the pounds. *Sobs*. Oh well, my sis said that I blow up when I'm happy so it just goes to show.

Moping helps. Really. It's part of the grieving process. Sulk at home, stay in bed, whatever.  I think it's worse if you acted like nothing happened. Like the relationship wasn't at all important to you. It was, so there is no reason why you should not mourn for its death.  Just don't overdo it, and not for way too long. And don't talk the ears off your friends about your break-up troubles.

Getting yourself out of the house is essential. I especially like retail therapy. I went shopping for a whole new wardrobe (well, just a few pieces anyway, like I could afford a whole new one). And I actually bought a couple of dresses, which I haven't worn since I was like, 11? School uniforms don't count. Guess what? Dresses are actually fun, even if you're not a girly-girl! Instant femininity - just add hot water. I've bought a few more dresses since then, haha.

Also, I also did some serious reflection on what went wrong in the relationship, or was it that we're just too different. A very important question I asked myself was, "Was I really happy in that relationship?" and I had to honestly say no. I wasn't, and hadn't been for quite awhile. But I did stay on, with the hope that things will work themselves out. Which is another lesson to me. Things just DO NOT work themselves out in a relationship. You have to communicate and compromise, and work on the relationship, at all times.

And then I thought back to all the things I were unhappy about. Mostly that he was unhappy with me, how I looked like. Love shouldn't be about what someone looks like.  I think this is also one of main reasons that I sometimes feel insecure in my current relationship because of of my past. However, I do think it's really sweet that Elf always assures me that he doesn't mind that I'm fat. His family doesn't seem to mind that I'm pudgy. His mom has not said anything about my spare tires.  Still, this is one insecurity I have to cope with.

I have also met new people and came up with a list of characteristics I would and would not appreciate in that someone special. Among the traits which made the YES list are:

Patient - you need a lot of that to be with me
Undemanding - the moment you start making any crazy ones, I'm off
Thoughtful - take my thoughts, likes and dislikes into account
Understanding - I can be a bit eccentric and noisy, so this is an important trait
Faithful - obviously
Fun - everyone needs a little fun in their lives
Supportive - of everything I do, or talk me out of those hot soup ones

You know, just the general attributes.  And in my NO list:

Possessive - what are you doing now? 2 secs later...what are you doing now?
Moody - I just hate mood swings
Bad-tempered - uncontrollable temper and bad anger management are no-nos
Rude - speaks for itself
Disrespectful - you don't respect others, you won't respect me

And to add to my NO list, a few quirks from my past relationship which irked me:

Always walking ahead of me, not by my side
Staying at home - most of the time (well that's what we're stuck with at the moment, but I don't think we have any other option)
Keeping me away from his friends, or rather, his friends away from me
Referring to me as his "friend"
Spams me with texts - when I'm sleeping
Not ever holding hands outside - yes I want the world to know, is that too much to ask for?

Not that I'm looking for one, haha. I've been with Elf for more than a year now <3. Not everything is smooth sailing, he's not perfect but I'm happy and I am free.

Post 3: Understanding Different Types of Break-ups

When I started dating my first boyfriend years ago, it was as if a dream come true. I thought that we would last forever. I was just the kind of girl who wanted a happy ending. And when I see and hear about people breaking up, I thought, "Well, no way is this going to happen to me". Three years down the road it did. And I was beyond devastated. The first few weeks were a nightmare. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything except brood over it. I swear my sister and friends were getting really sick of hearing about it.

And then a few of my friends broke up with their significant others. My sister broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years. Which made me wonder, are break-ups all the same? The answer? Not quite.

Let's start with the most unpleasant of all break-ups. I call it the cheating. This break-up happens when one of the partners cheated on the other. In cases like this, it's bloody good riddance. However, it is still highly debatable whether the person who is cheated on should forgive the cheating partner. Sometimes it's for the sake of the children. Sometimes, they say that the cheater is truly repentant. I believe there are exceptions to the rules. But I say, once a cheater forever a cheater, so may he/she rot in hell. Why would you want to stay with someone who cheated on you anyway? Your cheating partner cared not for you when he or she carried out an affair behind your back. Cheating and having affairs are conscious decisions they chose to make. So what the heck?

The long-distance break-up is something I would probably not encounter but is something that is very likely to happen in a long-distance relationship. There would be times when you meet someone great but the thing is, a) they are moving away, b) you live 200 miles apart, c) working or studying in another state or country, or d) is the citizen of another country. Things could get tough. You might want to work on establishing and maintaining a relationship but a relationship is a two-way street. It requires equal amount of commitment from both parties.  And that's not all, you need a truck load of trust.  Without trust, a long-distance relationship is bound to bite the dust.

The wedding/engagement break-up is something I hope none of us will have to go through.  Yeah, I know if you're not in love with the guy and the guy is not in love with you, or maybe the guy doesn't think you love him that much, then why bother proposing or getting engaged!  I think this is more a case of one partner loving the other more.  Whereas the one who loves or gives less is wondering where their relationship is heading.  Is he really the best guy out there for her?  Or are there others better suited?  There's no telling.  It is a logical thing to worry about, in my opinion.  A marriage is a lifetime commitment.  A person has to be more than a hundred person sure that he/she is the one before taking the great big plunge.  People would say that if you're thinking about whether or not you're making the right decision getting engaged or being married to your partner, it means that you don't love him that much and that you should let him find someone who loves him as much as he loves her.  I think this is utter nonsense.  I would think long and hard about getting married.  Sometimes love just isn't enough to make the world go round.  Marriage is also about the ability to live with someone for a very, very, very long time and not feel like killing each other.  Of course it's something we have to think carefully about.  Why marry only to get divorced few years down the road?  But obviously, if anyone proposes, I'd say yes.

My previous break-up was a long-term relationship break-up.  That is, if you think that three whole years is long.  How would I define a long-term relationship?  Any relationship which lasted more than twelve months.  Also, I think this is the trickiest kind of break-up to go through.  Firstly, it is because there can be a whole array of reasons why the break-up occurred, from A right up till Z.  In my opinion, it seems that most long-term relationships ended either because of the Grass Is Greener Syndrome (GIGS) or cheating.  Unless it's a long-distance relationship, where so many things can go wrong on its own.  In my case, I think it was a GIGS triggered break-up with a dash of cheating thrown in.  I have no evidence on the cheating up until today.  It was purely based on my instincts.  Please, there are always signs when men are cheating.  They don't do it consciously, it's peacock related.  Let me explain how I reached my conclusion.

My ex was...I don't know, someone who cared about his appearance.  A lot.  So it's typical that he looked after himself well.  But in the three years we were together, he never once acted like he did leading to the break-up.  There were peacock tendencies everywhere.  It was first his need to work-out at the gym in his college. (Was there even a gym where he studied?  I wasn't sure).  And then his journey into Body Shop to get a some shower gel which was like RM30-40.  (I mean, WTF?).  In addition to all that, he bought new clothes, in a totally different style.  Seriously, if any of your men out there acted like this, it's a big red flag.  And to top it all, he bought me a big, stuffed toy.  Like, as tall as two feet.  He never bought me stuffed anything before, unless you count the two, small stuffed bears he gave me the previous Valentine's.  In fact, he rarely bought me anything anyone would consider "romantic".  And then all of a sudden a big stuffed toy.  What the hell was I supposed to think?  Whatever, I had no evidence whatsoever, and it could just be that he's showing his affection.  Well, I stuck to my intuition from then on.  That's what they say, right?  A woman's intuition is always right.  And then, less two blah-di weeks after he broke up with me he had a new girlfriend.  What the?  So I went back to the cheating theory.  There are many kinds of cheating, so don't tell me since they didn't do you-know-what it doesn't count.

And you know what the best bit about long-term relationship break-ups is?  They somehow want to be friends with you?  Oh, haha, please.  Like my sis's ex, she said that he had this ideal situation that he's still best friend with his ex.  My sister said to me, "Oh, please, let's not kid ourselves here".  That was exactly what I said to her right from the start.  Do not be friends with the ex.  It's like picking the scabs of a wound not completely dried up.

It is good to keep your distance after a break-up.  It's tough.  You'd want to call, you'd want to text.  You'd want them to call, you'd want them to text.  You just wanted everything to be the same as it was.  And you don't think that you'd be happy without them.  Crap.  Sometimes, it's best to let go and to heal.  After all, why would you want to run after someone who so obviously wanted to keep you on the back burner?  Someone who doesn't care about you anymore?  Someone who openly declared that he doesn't love you?  In order to heal, you have to end all communications with the ex.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I kept in touch with my ex for about two long months.  It was pure, 100% torture.  He was such a major asshole who kept driving the knife deeper until (haha) I changed my number.  No one can hurt me unless I allow them to. 

Ok, so back to the friends thing.  Um, I have enough friends as it is.  Furthermore, do I really need a prime jerk as a friend?  Nope.  Before any of you thinks I'm a childish bitch, no, I'm not doing this to get revenge.  I'm doing this for myself.  I need to forget, I don't need to remember.  As long as I keep in contact with him, I will remember.  And even if I don't, he is the kind of person who makes sure I do.  Besides that, he once told a friend of his that in each of our lives, we have either to hurt, or to be hurt.  And, this was the answer he gave to his friend, when his friend asked him why he continued to hurt me though we were already broken up.  That is why, if a keep the channels of communication opened, I will be the one hurting.  I'm just protecting myself.  But, if you're going to say I'm being selfish, you're right.  I'm being totally selfish.  I'm sick of being selfless.

Oh well.  Guess I'm not one of those lucky few who has never experienced a break-up in their entire lives.  However, I'm glad to say that I'm thankful for it.  I have rediscovered myself again and know much more about what I look for in a relationship, and in a man I decide to love.

Post 2: What Is Love?

I spent some time with my bf the past couple of days, watching "The Proposal" and talking.  He got around to asking me how what I view love as.  So I asked him, what is love to he?  He said that he doesn't necessarily need to be with someone to love her, that to him love is providing the best for the girl.  Oh.

That got me thinking about what love actually is.  Being Sagittarius, I have a wide, extensive-expansive definition of love.  Though, now that I think of it, I cannot come to see how anyone can define love based on words alone.  It is often not what we say love is, it is how we show it.  So anyway, back to the wordy explanation of love.  Firstly, I have to say that it is a feeling.  We all feel love, don't we?  And then I have to say that it is a decision.  When we become someone's steady or life partner, I believe that at that point, a decision has been made to eternally cherish and care for that person, no matter how tough the situation can get.  I believe that love is a decision, because we are as capable to love, as we are of falling out of love.  When we fall out of love, it means that we have then made a decision to stop loving someone.  Follow?  Finally, I believe that love is also a series of actions.  Don't get me started on what actions, I won't be able to stop.  There are too many and they are too varied.

I also believe that love is different to each person for everyone is different and has experience different degrees of love.  I have always been a little spoiled.  Just like my sister mentioned in her blog, my parents do everything they can do give us all that they could possibly give.  Nothing is too great a sacrifice.  Giving without complaining and not expecting anything in return.  We are typical Asians and don't do much hugging and kissing and "I love you's" (if at all) but my siblings and I never for once doubted that our parents love us.  This is love for you on my parents' part.  And you think that that's what parents are required to do and are responsible for?  Think again.  There are people I actually know that do not have such loving parents.  Plenty of people I know thinks that I'm lucky to have parents like mine.  I also have a friend who hates going home so much, with the reason that he doesn't get along at all with his family, he spends his after work hours in the cybercafe.  I really do sympathize with him and cannot help but wonder what kind of home he has, and what kind of parents would make their son feel so depressed at home.

In addition to that, I also think that we can love more than one person.  Whoever says "I only love you" is definitely bullshitting.  I love my parents, I love my siblings, I love my bf, I love my books, I love my pillow.  The human ability to love is infinite.  Though I must say that we love different people differently.  For example, my love for my pillow as an inanimate object is, of course completely different from the love I have for my family, which is in turn totally unlike what I feel for my bf.  But I totally do not agree that you can love 3 or 4 women at one go, unless you're fine with your women love other men too, haha.  Anyway, seriously, in terms of committed venus-mars relationships, I always believe in monogamy.

Which brings me back to why I say that love is a decision.  As mentioned before, one could love more than one person.  Yes, even more than one man or woman.  But you can only love one, and disappoint all others.  Then love becomes a decision.  By choosing that one man, you are in fact making a decision to support and cherish, to be loyal to him, to share all his hopes and dreams, to care for him and his needs, to respect and honor him, and to love him and him only, for the person that he is.  Now, anything you want to add?

Post 1: In-game Love?

You play Maple Story. You play Ragnarok Online. You play Perfect World. Whichever MMORPG you play (especially the cutesy ones, which attracts girls as well as boys) there is bound to be a marriage system. What marriage system you say? Well, let us start from the beginning.

Typical setting. Boy meets girl, fall in love, get married. Sounds feasible right? Well try repeating that like 7 more times. Welcome to the world of MMORPG. In MMORPG, as a girl, you're most likely to run into a guy or two while you're leveling your character. Say, in RO terms, you might be a priest who doesn't have good attack skills at all. You therefore party (leveling together to gain experience) male hunters/male wizards/male crusaders and somehow develop a rapport with one of them. Therefore your list of possible party members dwindles to one, which is that guy, let's say the guy hunter. You spend all your time together even when you're not leveling. And then one day you decide, "Hey, why don't we get married?" And so you do. And this is where all my problems start.

You guys become sickeningly mushy. No. Worse.

Another typical setting: Married couple on MMORPG's world channel (Perfect World's)

Guy: Thanks to all for coming to our wedding! *insert some cutesy emoticon here*
Girl: (doesn't say anything, just insert some cutesy emoticon here, usually a heart)
Friend of guy/girl: Congrats xyz, congrats abc, go make babies !!
Friend of guy/girl: Congrats xyz, congrats abc, go make babies !!
Friend of guy/girl: Congrats xyz, congrats abc, go make babies !!
Friend of guy/girl: Congrats xyz, congrats abc, go make babies !!
Guy: Thank you thank you. I love you dear abc *insert another cutesy emoticon*
Girl: I love you too xyz sugar bun, honey cakes, darling pumpkin *another emoticon*

Note: Might continue for 5 minutes or longer, depending on how popular the guy and girl are and how many rich, no-brain friends they have between them. The more they have, the longer it goes.

So then, yeah. I have a few questions.

Number 1: How old exactly (in real life) are those two? Well, well, well, let me see. The guy might be 32 and the girl 16. Mmhmm.. that sounds about right. Or they both might be 13. In the real world, a 16-year-old girl's parents will definitely not allow her to marry a 32-year-old man. And 13-year-olds can't even get married legally.

Number 2: Do they really know what love is? Or are they just married for the love of money? I quote a gamer from Perfect World, as seen on the Perfect World MY-EN forum board, in response to the poll topic of "How much did you spend on cubi?" (cubi referring to in-game cash shop currency, meaning to say that the real world cash converted to cash shop currency, and is by no means related to in-game gold, which everyone has means to acquire at all times)

"I paid for 7 marriages (both boxes) (divorced 5 times), when I make a character I max out inventory and bank. I buy them the best aviation and mount, I buy fashion like crazy and have always used gold hieros (2 each character at a time). I use tele stones, dolls, and basic perks. I paid for friends wedding boxes, gave my husbands (in-game) the best mounts, aviation, wings, fashion.. whatever moves me... etc..

I have bought plants/minerals to get those crafting skills up quick, and sure - I buy dyes, sell what I don't want.

When I was GM - I held contests that blew through 100+ cubi a month, so.. wow not sure - probably $250-300 a month, more when I want new aviation or to get married. More when I begin a new character, and just started 2 new ones.

Started in January so.... u can add it up"

Note: edited some spelling and grammar mistakes. This post was made in November 2008.

Yep. Her hubbies gets the best aviations and mounts and she paid for the wedding. Good aviations are not cheap. At least not by Malaysian standards. I know minimum wage in the US is around USD7. And that converts to RM24.50. And I only get paid RM4.50 per hour working at a bookstore. A really good aviation costs 89-114 cubis which is equivalent to RM89-RM114, please do count how many hours I have to work for that. And seven hubbies? Good grief, we're talking a few months of going hungry for me.

Whoopie, I think she is the only person who doesn't think that they love her for the money she spends on them.

Number 3: Marriage lasts a lifetime. The above gamer has been married 7 times. Geez, and she started in January and the post made in November. So that's probably about a husband in two to three months, taking into account that she has probably married before she started buying cubis like mad. Only Britney Spears divorce faster than her.  And I assure you she is definitely not the only one out there.

Number 4: In-game love does not equate real life love.  Also, that sweet murmurings also does not mean that you love or care about someone.  So they think that by going around "a dear dear here and a dear dear there" that they have found actual love?  What about the *insert name here*  731 1314, bunch of mathematical equation thing?  Does confessing his undying love for you all over the virtual fantasy world actually translate to him caring deeply for you and only you for a long long time?

Please note that people seek fun and enjoyment from MMORPG and this extends to include any virtual "relationship".  It is more than likely that he "married" you for the enjoyment of this gaming feature.  There are people out there who suffer from attention deficiency and strives to attract the affection from those around him.