It is a common question asked on the ENA board by heartbroken souls. The honest answer? I have to say no. At least not anytime soon. It might take a few months for it to stop hurting. It may take a few years.
I find sometimes the memories just crop up, like deja vu. And then I thought back, experienced some flashback, and the pain resurfaces, even when I'm perfectly happy as I am now. Only last week when I was doing the files when I suddenly went quiet, with what must have been a thoughtful expression on my face because Weng Hong looked at me and asked, "What's wrong?". I just shook my head at him, and shook myself out of it.
Sometimes it's just the little things that meant so much to you while you were together which throws you back into a pained state. Like when Cin In asked me whether I know of any corporations which uses IT in relation to their human resources when I thought of all the fucking times I'd helped with his assignments. Gosh, what was I thinking?
I'd like for it to go permanently away, but it just isn't feasible at the moment. The good thing is, it doesn't hurt as much now as it did back then. Also, it probably wasn't even losing him that caused the pain, nor was it the intelligence of my relationship going down the drain. It might be the sense of betrayal or the indignity of be cheated on which lead to all the hurt still caught up inside me.
Which makes sense because every time I rinse and repeat, it's always how much and dum-dum I was for having suffered all his gum-gum behavior - chew and spit. Therefore, I conclude the pain can still be there for reasons other than being dumped or replaced. And it will remain there til we learn to forgive. Great, this means mine is stuck here for eternity for this is one thing I can never bring myself to forgive nor forget.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Post 4: What Follows A Break-up?
Two years had passed since the break-up. Two years is a long time. Winston Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going". That was exactly what I went through, just worse. Anyway, I meant this to be a positive post, since I think I've had enough whiny ones.
So...firstly, I did lose a significant amount of kgs after post break-up. I kinda took his "parting words" to heart and spruced up my appearance a bit. I went out and got a new hair color, honey and blond highlights and new curls. However, my hair is now going back straight and black. I still think that liking someone for how she looks is superficial but I did realize that good grooming and looking after yourself is important too. But, sad to say, I've put back the pounds. *Sobs*. Oh well, my sis said that I blow up when I'm happy so it just goes to show.
Moping helps. Really. It's part of the grieving process. Sulk at home, stay in bed, whatever. I think it's worse if you acted like nothing happened. Like the relationship wasn't at all important to you. It was, so there is no reason why you should not mourn for its death. Just don't overdo it, and not for way too long. And don't talk the ears off your friends about your break-up troubles.
Getting yourself out of the house is essential. I especially like retail therapy. I went shopping for a whole new wardrobe (well, just a few pieces anyway, like I could afford a whole new one). And I actually bought a couple of dresses, which I haven't worn since I was like, 11? School uniforms don't count. Guess what? Dresses are actually fun, even if you're not a girly-girl! Instant femininity - just add hot water. I've bought a few more dresses since then, haha.
Also, I also did some serious reflection on what went wrong in the relationship, or was it that we're just too different. A very important question I asked myself was, "Was I really happy in that relationship?" and I had to honestly say no. I wasn't, and hadn't been for quite awhile. But I did stay on, with the hope that things will work themselves out. Which is another lesson to me. Things just DO NOT work themselves out in a relationship. You have to communicate and compromise, and work on the relationship, at all times.
And then I thought back to all the things I were unhappy about. Mostly that he was unhappy with me, how I looked like. Love shouldn't be about what someone looks like. I think this is also one of main reasons that I sometimes feel insecure in my current relationship because of of my past. However, I do think it's really sweet that Elf always assures me that he doesn't mind that I'm fat. His family doesn't seem to mind that I'm pudgy. His mom has not said anything about my spare tires. Still, this is one insecurity I have to cope with.
I have also met new people and came up with a list of characteristics I would and would not appreciate in that someone special. Among the traits which made the YES list are:
Patient - you need a lot of that to be with me
Undemanding - the moment you start making any crazy ones, I'm off
Thoughtful - take my thoughts, likes and dislikes into account
Understanding - I can be a bit eccentric and noisy, so this is an important trait
Faithful - obviously
Fun - everyone needs a little fun in their lives
Supportive - of everything I do, or talk me out of those hot soup ones
You know, just the general attributes. And in my NO list:
Possessive - what are you doing now? 2 secs later...what are you doing now?
Moody - I just hate mood swings
Bad-tempered - uncontrollable temper and bad anger management are no-nos
Rude - speaks for itself
Disrespectful - you don't respect others, you won't respect me
And to add to my NO list, a few quirks from my past relationship which irked me:
Always walking ahead of me, not by my side
Staying at home - most of the time (well that's what we're stuck with at the moment, but I don't think we have any other option)
Keeping me away from his friends, or rather, his friends away from me
Referring to me as his "friend"
Spams me with texts - when I'm sleeping
Not ever holding hands outside - yes I want the world to know, is that too much to ask for?
Not that I'm looking for one, haha. I've been with Elf for more than a year now <3. Not everything is smooth sailing, he's not perfect but I'm happy and I am free.
So...firstly, I did lose a significant amount of kgs after post break-up. I kinda took his "parting words" to heart and spruced up my appearance a bit. I went out and got a new hair color, honey and blond highlights and new curls. However, my hair is now going back straight and black. I still think that liking someone for how she looks is superficial but I did realize that good grooming and looking after yourself is important too. But, sad to say, I've put back the pounds. *Sobs*. Oh well, my sis said that I blow up when I'm happy so it just goes to show.
Moping helps. Really. It's part of the grieving process. Sulk at home, stay in bed, whatever. I think it's worse if you acted like nothing happened. Like the relationship wasn't at all important to you. It was, so there is no reason why you should not mourn for its death. Just don't overdo it, and not for way too long. And don't talk the ears off your friends about your break-up troubles.
Getting yourself out of the house is essential. I especially like retail therapy. I went shopping for a whole new wardrobe (well, just a few pieces anyway, like I could afford a whole new one). And I actually bought a couple of dresses, which I haven't worn since I was like, 11? School uniforms don't count. Guess what? Dresses are actually fun, even if you're not a girly-girl! Instant femininity - just add hot water. I've bought a few more dresses since then, haha.
Also, I also did some serious reflection on what went wrong in the relationship, or was it that we're just too different. A very important question I asked myself was, "Was I really happy in that relationship?" and I had to honestly say no. I wasn't, and hadn't been for quite awhile. But I did stay on, with the hope that things will work themselves out. Which is another lesson to me. Things just DO NOT work themselves out in a relationship. You have to communicate and compromise, and work on the relationship, at all times.
And then I thought back to all the things I were unhappy about. Mostly that he was unhappy with me, how I looked like. Love shouldn't be about what someone looks like. I think this is also one of main reasons that I sometimes feel insecure in my current relationship because of of my past. However, I do think it's really sweet that Elf always assures me that he doesn't mind that I'm fat. His family doesn't seem to mind that I'm pudgy. His mom has not said anything about my spare tires. Still, this is one insecurity I have to cope with.
I have also met new people and came up with a list of characteristics I would and would not appreciate in that someone special. Among the traits which made the YES list are:
Patient - you need a lot of that to be with me
Undemanding - the moment you start making any crazy ones, I'm off
Thoughtful - take my thoughts, likes and dislikes into account
Understanding - I can be a bit eccentric and noisy, so this is an important trait
Faithful - obviously
Fun - everyone needs a little fun in their lives
Supportive - of everything I do, or talk me out of those hot soup ones
You know, just the general attributes. And in my NO list:
Possessive - what are you doing now? 2 secs later...what are you doing now?
Moody - I just hate mood swings
Bad-tempered - uncontrollable temper and bad anger management are no-nos
Rude - speaks for itself
Disrespectful - you don't respect others, you won't respect me
And to add to my NO list, a few quirks from my past relationship which irked me:
Always walking ahead of me, not by my side
Staying at home - most of the time (well that's what we're stuck with at the moment, but I don't think we have any other option)
Keeping me away from his friends, or rather, his friends away from me
Referring to me as his "friend"
Spams me with texts - when I'm sleeping
Not ever holding hands outside - yes I want the world to know, is that too much to ask for?
Not that I'm looking for one, haha. I've been with Elf for more than a year now <3. Not everything is smooth sailing, he's not perfect but I'm happy and I am free.
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